A Bad Game of Twister

So, there I was just mulling over a few of my inner demons when I realized they’re just no good at Twister.  Right hand on red, left foot on green – let’s face it, they never got it right and it just wasn’t fun anymore.  Sure, Fear and Insecurity are some pretty scary characters but it always lessened their impact a bit to see them all entwined and pretzeled out on the mat.   And Twomp (short for The Wreckage Of My Past) looked kind of silly with his stubby fingers, body all bloated with shame and guilt, listlessly flicking the spinner and calling the moves, hoping desperately that someone, anyone, was paying attention to him. 

What is a guy to do?  New demons are expensive and well, new.  These old ones were broken-in, familiar and dammit, just plain comfortable.  As is typical for a guy like me, there are no answers, only questions, and a never ending supply of them it seems.  My fate, my lot in life seems to be a bad game of Twister, somewhat entertaining, poorly played and badly acted by an unsavory group of characters I never invited into my home, much less my head, but here they are.  And they seem to have taken up permanent residence. 

What can I say, another bottle of Jack, another cigarette, another day.  Maybe things will seem different through the blurry eyes of a hangover in the morning.  Too bad I don’t drink.

Invention #1 – The Penetrator (An Armor Piercing Condom)

Have you ever met one of those cold-hearted, sexually resistant women that are so well defended they are basically armor plated?  Trying to get lucky with them is like trying to have sex with a concrete wall.   Announcing the all new Penetrator*!  A depleted uranium coated condom similar to the armor piercing weapons used by our modern armed forces to penetrate the armor plating on tanks in the battle field.  These new militarily hardened condoms are guaranteed to go right through several inches of your own ice queen’s steel walls of defense like they were melting butter.  So try the all new Penetrator* and pierce her shields tonight!  Iraq fell in just a few short weeks.  Just think of what this can do for you and your sexual conquests!

*Disclaimer: All claims dependant on consumer’s ability to accelerate to, and maintain, a velocity exceeding 1000 feet per second and survive an impact, without injury, similar to a 44 caliber bullet striking a solid wall at an angle in incidence perpendicular to the afore mentioned wall.  Additionally, serious health related risks may exist, especially in the case of fire, explosion or intense friction causing aspiratable depleted uranium dust, particles or shrapnel.  The manufacturer and inventor of The Penetrator make no claims as to the suitability of the use of this product for any application whatsoever.  Moral and ethical implications of the use of this product are the responsibility of the consumer.  A partner’s willingness to participate may also be an issue and while this product may be able to puncture the most resistant of defenses, that does not mean it is morally, ethically or legally right to do so.  Please check your local, state and Federal laws and statues prior to all and any use of this product.  If you live in a “no means no” state, added caution and prior consent of any partner involved is strongly advised and may be legally required.  Use at own risk.  For those consumers in Arkansas and West Virginia, this product has been tested for use with trees, posts, columns and other inanimate objects but the same requirements and risks apply as described above except for possibly the moral and ethical ones.  Only available in extra-small.

My Official Manifesto

Every good, self-respecting nut job needs a good manifesto.  Just the term itself sounds cool, ominous and slightly disconcerting.  The Unabomber had a good manifesto and so did Karl Marks and Frederick Engels and their posse, the Communists, as far back as 1848.  Even a completely fabricated language, like Esperanto, designed to be the universal and completely democratic language of everyone on earth has a manifesto.  Heck, the bleeding Surrealists had one.  Every good wack job or fruit loop organization on the internet gets right down to business and writes one up so you know exactly what they originally intended to do but for some inexplicable reason never got around to or lost sight of along the way.  Here is what the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary has to say:

Ok, now that we have all of that cleared up, I need one of my own so you all know precisely what I’m all about, or at the very least, have an accurate misrepresentation there of.

Manifesto-ing right along…

I hereby and most solemnly promise and swear rarely to tell the truth, to stretch it and misrepresent it in everyway possible, to actively lie about my lying, stretching and misrepresenting whenever, wherever and however it suits me to do so and most probably, misconstrue and fabricate everything else.  Also, if you happen to belong to one or more of the currently popular genders, religious or political groups and/or have a cultural, ethnic, moral or ethical makeup or belief systems I hereby fully commit myself to not only make fun of it, you and everything you believe in and stand for but to outright attempt to piss you off.  I intend to do this in the fairest and most equalitarian way possible by trying my best not to leave anyone or anything out and to abuse as equally as I possibly can except for where this conflicts with all that stuff I said about lying above.  All of this will be done with humor and the proliferation of humor, especially tasteless humor, in mind.  I also intend to play with fire, matches and flammable materials just to make everything perfectly clear to everyone.

Manifestitudinal Disclaimer

This here manifesto is subject to change upon a whim and certainly without notice or reason.  It is a work, most probably by the Devil himself, in progress and will be added to or subtracted from as math skills allow and motivational situations arise.

General Disclaimer

No one, especially the author of this crap, suggests you or anyone else actually read any of this or take anything written herein to heart or use it as a basis for any kind of action or inaction whatsoever.  Really!  Honestly!  Don’t even read this.  And if you accidentally have, forget about it and anything to do with it right away.  Don’t come back or tell anyone where you found it.  You are completely on your own now.  You have been warned as honestly and as completely as I can.  You can’t sue me because I’m unemployed and completely broke so don’t even try.  Now go away!